Summer is always a bit of a celebrity gossip drought, and this one has been no exception, so for July I didn’t even bother doing any Weekend Wrap-Ups because there was really very little to talk about. However, luckily for me, and gossipy bitches everywhere, someone decided to blow a whistle and summon half of the world’s hard-partying, under-40 celebrities to the island of Ibiza, and when you have so many huge egos trapped together on one small island plus booze plus yacht parties, asides from sounding like the premise for the world’s best reality show, someone’s gonna make some good gossip. And someone did.
On Tuesday night, Orlando Bloom became the world’s number one hero when he did what millions would like to and punched Justin Bieber in the face. There are, by now, approximately 156,000 reasons why Justin Bieber deserves to be punched in the face, and the main one is simply that he’s an obnoxious, rude, arrogant, pube-faced little shit who, aged just 20, has been pandered to so much that he now thinks he can live his life any damn way he pleases and never have to face any consequences for his increasingly awful and disrespectful behaviour.
But as much as I’d like to think it was so, Orlando Bloom was not acting as a messenger for the human race last Tuesday, because he had a much more personal fish to fry with Baby-Boy-Bieber. Lainey Gossip ended 2102 with a very smutty blind item, part one of which Gossip Gurus surmised was about Miranda Kerr and Justin Bieber. Now to truly embrace the horror of that gruesome twosome, we have to revisit the Justin Bieber of that time.
“Irresistible” is not a word that springs to mind, nor is “appealing”, nor are “remotely” or “attractive”, and that is because I am over the age of 15 and if my biological response was to want to hit that, my intellectual response would be to consider how inconvenient life would be if I was on the sex offenders register. I am creeping myself out at the very idea, but Miranda Kerr went to there.
For shits and giggles.
Seriously. How high would you have to be? Anyway, this forms a crucial part of the back story, because according to eyewitnesses, Orly was passing Bieber’s table and Bieber put his hand out for a hand shake, like the entitled little punk that he is – and I can picture him, slouched down in his chair, one hand down the front of his leather harem pants, with that stupid wanna-be-James-Dean furrowed brow expression of his, expecting Orlando to pay his respects, like Justin Bieber is the Godfather of modern celebrity! Orlando refused, so Justin retorted with “She was good.”
Yeouch. And as if that wasn’t shitty enough, afterwards he took to Instagram, posting first a photo of Miranda and then a photo of a crying Orlando, because that’s what you do when you’re the Manliest Man-Child in all of Manville and you find yourself in an adult dispute. The curious twist in the tale though is that amongst the assembled celebrities cheering Orlando on was none other than Leonardo DiCaprio – the same Leonardo DiCaprio widely believed to be dude number two in the Miranda/Bieber blind. Who knows how these celebrities navigate their borderline incestuous infidelities, but if Orlando has no beef with Leo I guess in some cases it’s not what you do but who you do it with, and there’s no denying Miranda struck a particularly low blow with Bieber.
Also cheering on from the sidelines (in her imagination she was at Leo’s table, when in reality she was sitting outside in the gutter after four failed attempts to get past the bouncer) was our favourite hot mess, Lindsay Lohan – though in truth we dropped the “hot” part several years ago. Because Ibiza is such a well known destination for those seeking wellness, clarity and the pursuit of intellectual endeavours, this is where we find La Lohan drying out and cleaning up in preparation for her theatrical debut (it seems like that’s ACTUALLY HAPPENING!) in London next month.
I must say, the producers have been most accommodating, allowing her to rehearse remotely from first Italy (left), then Austria (centre) and now Ibiza (right), and I’m sure when she blows the critics (away, sillies) in September, theatre companies the world over will adopt this unconventional approach of embarking on a tour of European nightclubs in liu of clocking up any actual rehearsal time. And she wonders why no one takes her seriously anymore.
Also soaking up the Balearic sunshine this week, Zac Efron and Michelle Rodriguez, who are making Ibiza the latest stop on their European Showmance Tour of 2014. It’s not known if that old geezer they were hanging out with in Italy has joined them, but they were spotted on a yacht again, and since he owned the yacht they were photographed kissing on last month, “confirming their romance“, it seems like he might be along for the ride.
Sorry, in case I wasn’t clear, Zac was photographed kissing Michelle, of course, and that’s how you know that for sure they are now a real couple, who kiss, and stuff.
I’m sure that, just like Lindsay, Zac will be appreciating the subdued atmosphere of the island that parties 24-7, since just this week he was seen telling Bear Grylls about his stint in rehab and the difficulties of staying sober when you’re immersed in the fishbowl of celebrity culture. The Mirror have an exclusive clip here, but in a nutshell he explained that the pressures of becoming famous so young and so suddenly led him to seek out “social lubricants” to help him leave his house.
He went on to say:
“It got to the point where I was caring less about the work and waiting more for the weekend where I couldn’t wait to go out and let loose and have fun. But when Monday and Tuesday were difficult to get through, I thought, ‘This is bad.’”
And in explaining his post-rehab approach, he said:
“I just really never again want to take anything from the outside in to feel … comfortable in my present skin, and that takes a lot of work. It’s just meditation and stopping and slowing down your brain.”
Ibiza is such a meditative place, and Michelle is practically a nun, so he couldn’t have chosen a better destination or a more responsible companion to accompany and support him. In other words, I’ll continue to worry about Zac, but unlike Lohan, who is by now the definition of a lost cause, I’ll continue to root for him too.
Wrapping up the Wrap-Up, some photos from Ricardo Tisci’s birthday party, which was also in Ibiza. Half the celebrities on the planet were corralled there anyway, so he had a star-studded guest list, including his BFF and now “Brooch Buddy” Kanye West, but he lowered the tone with some Kardashians, risked an outbreak of airborne herpes by letting Paris Hilton in, and had to fork out for a babysitter to chaperone Justin Bieber, who may or may not have been hitting on Kris Jenner.
Stars. They’re just like us.