I don’t know about you, but I find it’s too often the case these days that men are disproportionately under-recognised for their achievements, so thank god GQ magazine, with their annual “Men of the Year Awards“, are seeking to redress that balance. Their shockingly star-studded awards ceremony (no tongue in cheek, I seriously have no idea how they pulled this off!) took place on Tuesday in London, with not a Big Brother contestant or a member of N Dubz to be seen, and for fear of upstaging the world’s most famous porn star, one presumes, there weren’t any glamour models or Page Three girls on the guest list – but don’t suppose that meant there weren’t any risqué looks on the red carpet.
The dress code varied from suggestive to sheer to just show it all, with some pulling off the overtly sexy approach more successfully than others. Still rocking the bob she got for the MTV Awards, Jourdan Dunn’s full length Zuhair Murad dress works by covering as much as it shows, while Cara Delevingne – who, for reasons known only to Cara Delevingne, sucked on a hat pin all night – went for a lace Burberry dress that left nothing to the imagination and let her granny pants do the covering.
But, not to be out-done on the red carpet, the recipient of the “Woman of the Year” award made sure her custom Atsuko Kudo latex bodysuit showcased the two attributes that GQ’s readers are most interested in: her wit and her dazzling intellect.
The left one’s called “Wit” and the right one’s called “Intellect”, boom boom. Said latex bodysuit is not so much a garment as a feat of engineering, and the custom made Ralph and Russo skirt that looks at a glance like it’s made of bubble wrap is actually a very intricately hand beaded piece. It’s must be difficult to make luxury, couture fabric look that cheap, although put it on Kim Kardashian and she’ll generally do 90% of the work for you.
I mean, she is a wonder. Every time you think she’s bottomed out in the fashion stakes (no pun intended) she somehow manages to out-do herself, and finding these clothes must be a full time job for her so it’s anyone’s guess how she also finds time for all her humanitarian work and the various philanthropic and intellectual pursuits that have earned her the prestigious title of “GQ Woman of the Year”…
Unless of course that’s not the kind of criteria GQ are looking for in a woman? When he introduced her, editor Dylan Jones said of Kim
“She is simply one of the most famous women in the world. The queen of social media and the queen of TV. And since marrying Kanye West in May she has become part of the world’s most famous couple. She’s Coca Cola famous.. it’s Kim Kardashian.”
But of course, how silly of me. The GQ Men of the Year must be accomplished in their respective fields, like Actor of the Year Benedict Cumberbatch, Sportsman of the Year Lewis Hamilton, Designer of the Year Christopher Bailey or Solo Artist of the Year Pharrell Williams. But their Woman of the Year only needs to a) be famous and b) look hot in a naked photoshoot, which Kim a) unfortunately still is and b) I guess kind of does, if human sex doll is your idea of hot and if the taster we get from her cover is any indication.
Also featured on the covers are International Man of the Year Jonah Hill, Leading Man of the Year Colin Firth and Humanitarian of the Year Ringo Starr. Though all the male cover stars give the impression of being fully clothed, with the exception of Firth it’s impossible to say whether or not they’re actually going for a sexy pants-less look in their shoots, but if those are their sex faces that opens up a whole new conversation.
Proving that sexy is a state of mind and not a show of flesh, some of my favourite looks of the night were this trio of playful, sixties inspired shifts – Lara Stone’s literal take is by Christopher Kane, Jenna Coleman’s funnel-necked, sequinned tweed dress would be on my Autumn Winter wish list if I could even fathom paying so much for something so simple, and Natalie Dormer’s bright yellow Pucci just looks amazing on her, with the long sleeves balancing out the short length the slashed neckline.
For the same reason Jessie J’s cowl necked, vintage Jean Paul Gaultier comes off on the sexy rather than the vulgar side of revealing, but I’m fighting with myself over Daisy Lowe’s Barbara Casasola jumpsuit. I want to hate it, and I would definitely like it better with a top underneath, but I think the actual garment has me under a spell. She’s giving side-boob, under-boob, and a substantial amount of front-boob, but all I can see is a great pair of trousers. If it wasn’t for the neat cut and the gorgeous design and fabric choice though, this would look out-right trashy.
Still, when Lindsay Lohan’s around no one else needs to worry about looking trashy. She and Rita Ora went for an 80s power bitch vibe – Rita (in Zuhair Murad) is all shiny and quiffed and Duracell-powered, but Lindsay looks blitzed, like she’s powered by budget brand AAs that she rolled in her hands for 15 minutes because they were already dead.
She somehow got Balmain to loan her this $5,000 dollar dress and I hope they checked their returns book on Wednesday because that’s a big write off if Lindsay decides to forget to return it because of circumstances that were beyond her control and definitely someone else’s fault. But somewhere there’s a Lindsay Lohan impersonator (let’s call him Lindsay Blowhan) rubbing his hands with glee because he’s had this dress in his closet since his Shirley Bassey days, so now he just needs to bind his feet in electrical tape and stick his face in a blender to totally make this work.
Both Lindsay and Rita opted for a change of clothes during the night, with Rita changing into a sequined Yeti suit because she got tired of looking like a regular person for the fifteen minutes she was on the red carpet. Meanwhile Lindsay’s parting words to reporters – “I’m not partying tonight, I’m going home as I need to be at work tomorrow” – rang true, because who among us hasn’t changed into a short, sheer, chain mail dress for the journey home? “Yeah English guys are cute, but it’s not about the boys. Being here in London is all about me this time,” she added, failing to realise that in her world everything is all about her all the time. Case in point, presenting Chef of the Year to Tom Kerridge she said, on microphone, to the whole room “I thought you weren’t coming up, and it got awkward. If that happens on the first night of my play I’m going to die.” Because, did she mention? SHE’S DOING A PLAY! And apparently there’s audience participation!? Who knew!? God she’s a wreck, but who knows? If she continues her run as the most useless waste of space on the pop cultural horizon she might well find herself in the running to be next years “Woman of the Year.” I hear their standards are not that high. More from the GQ Awards Below
The Abominable Snowman called, he wants his evening look back
One of these lumps of plastic is polished to perfection, the other one is tacky and grubby from being handled too much. Which is which?
If you thought their Woman of the Year was hilarious, check out their idea of a Philanthropist!
Breakthrough award winner Jamie Dornan with the world’s biggest Twihard, EL James
A “bitch, please” face, if ever I saw one…
After several dry awards season runs, Jonah Hill finally has something to put on his mantlepiece, but Bradley says he’ll only stay there for a minute.
Winner of the Editors Special Award, Liam Neeson is not sure whether to be proud or insulted.
Fifty per cent of Cousin Matthew presented Benedict Cumberbatch with his Actor of the Year award. The other fifty per cent is returning to Downton in a shock zombie twist.
Dapper dreamboat Colin Firth had his Leading Man award presented by dapper dreamboat Stanley Tucci
Unable to turn it off for EVEN A MINUTE Cara Delevingne eventually spontaneously combusted from attention seeking too hard
It was the meta moment of the night when Johnny Depp of the present presented the icon award to Johnny Depp of the future. Sadly for everyone Johnny Depp of the past could not attend
Everyone agreed it was the most fun they’ve had in a long, long time.
Kanye periodically checked that his wife’s breasts were still encased in latex, like any good husband would.
Except when he was busy having too much fun
Lydia Firth asks the Kardashian Wests to keep it down and stop having so much fun
Penny for your thoughts, sir