The 2014 MTV Movie Awards happened last night, and if there’s one awards show that comes close to being as pointless as the IFTAs, it’s the MTV awards. Not alone are nominations handed out less for merit and more for the likelihood of who might actually turn up to collect them (not saying that happens at the IFTAs, but if Saoirse Ronan would rather be in Wexford having a curry with her mam, it might be time to reconsider that strategy), but winners are voted for by the public (the same public that watch MTV, the station that gave us Jersey Shore), in some of the most pointlessly random categories imaginable. And so Jared Leto, who pretty much swept the board this year in the best supporting actor category, rounds off a triumphant awards season with a Golden Popcorn statuette for “Best Onscreen Transformation”, while Brad Pitt will be making space beside his Oscar for his “Best Scared As Shit” award for his performance in World War Z.
I don’t know if it’s just that Jared Leto was on his best behaviour in the run up to the Oscars, or if it’s the news (to me) that he’s BFFs with supercreep Terry Richardson, or maybe he’s been temporarily contaminated by Coachella, but suddenly the ombré surfer Jesus is tainted with douche again. In a callback to his guyliner, choppy bob, Paris Hilton-snogging days of yore, suddenly just looking at him is giving me the squicks.
My dream girl, Lupita, presented him with his award, and looking at him looking at her is giving me the squicks too. I’ve gone from willing them to get together to hoping against hope that someone keeps them apart.
They seem to have a good rapport, and they certainly seemed to enjoy spending time together during and after awards season, but even if he wants to go to there I think she has more sense (not to mention a possible boyfriend).
Brad Pitt did not turn up to collect his award, and I wish I could say the same for Zac Efron, who won “Best Shirtless…” They don’t specify best shirtless what, but I presume the competition was mostly male and didn’t run to “anything without a shirt”. Although a notably shirtless Grumpy Cat did attend and I was wondering why…
Anyway, much to the annoyance of Grumpy Cat (I’m sure that’s what he’s pissed about) Zac won, and he put on quite a show when he collected his award from Jessica Alba (who thinks his name is Zac Eee-fron) and Rita Ora.
In a NOT AT ALL planned, completely spontaneous moment of wanton madness, Rita Ora ripped the shirt off Zac’s back to show those of us who haven’t seen That Awkward Moment exactly why he deserved the accolade. Lucky for him there were easy-open snap fasteners on his denim shirt, and lucky for us he keeps his torso tangoed and contoured at all times, just in case. Remember that classic MTV Movie Awards moment from 2005 when Ryan Gosling and Rachel McAdams won “Best Kiss” for the Notebook, and when they came up to collect it they reenacted the famous run and jump kiss from the film? And even though you knew they planned it, and probably practiced it, it was still lovely and fun and very much in the spirit of the occasion, and you just had to smile and you’ll always remember it?
Yeah? Well this was nothing like that, it was horrible and embarrassing and here come those squicks again. I’m hoping I’ll have forgotten all about it by tomorrow, the tan, the body paint, the necklace, the works. That awkward moment, indeed.
Other arbitrarily rewarded achievements were “Best Villain” for Mila Kunis and “Best Comedic Performance” for Jonah Hill. The “Trailblazer” award went to Channing Tatum, and the “Generation” award to Mark Wahlberg, and last but not least, “#WTF Moment” went to Leonardo Di Caprio for Wolf of Wall Street. After a notoriously dry awards season, you’d think he might have been pushed enough to show up to collect it, but I guess he was too busy giving it socks at Coachella to bother. More madcap madness of the sort that the young people like below.
Johnny Depp wasn’t sure why he was there. I wasn’t sure why he looked like an aging, hipster Indiana Jones.
In fact he was there to present Best Film to Hunger Games kind-of-stars Sam Claffin and Josh Hutcherson. Reports that Jennifer Lawrence was busy having a curry with her mam are unconfirmed.
Since she didn’t get out in the sun that day, Shailene had no choice but to air her vagina in the press room.
Oh my God! Some muscle man ate Aaron Taylor Johnson!
Orlando Bloom picked up his “Best Fight” award, dissed Melissa McCarthy and challenged Ron Burgundy to a fight. Neither dissed nor challenge Aaron Taylor Johnson to a fight, we note.
“You’re the best””No, YOU’RE the best!”
Brand new besties Alba and Ora are missing some meat in their sandwich.
There it is!
Mila Kunis collects her “Best Villain” award. Almost time to confirm those pregnancy rumours!
Channing Tatum celebrates his “Trailblazer” award by getting his missus in an affectionate headlock
If you didn’t know that Stevie Nicks made babies with Bobby Gillespie, Sid Vicious, and Slash, you do now…
He denies he was jealous of Channing Tatum, but moments later, Jonah Hill would win “Best Use of Golden Popcorn as A Lethal Weapon”
“The Other Woman” stars try to decide which one of them should eat Josh Hutcherson for breakfast.
Cameron Diaz wins! She’s been in the press a lot lately. Josh tries to recall exactly why.
Seth McFarlane cracks a joke about Amanda Seyfried’s boobs. Probably.